oh, yes.

I had promised updates on the long-suffering saga of Jane and Ryan.
This evening past, I found myself irritated with my best friend to the point where I needed a serious amount of space.

So, I wandered outside, and placed a call.
No matter how upset I am, hearing his voice has always done things to me that only hearing a past or current loves voice can.
I´ll admit it.
I will never stop loving James Ryan Labor.
I´m not capable of leaving him behind...my heart could never handle life without him in it, in some fashion or another.

Jane - ¨Hello, babe.¨
Ryan - ¨Hello, Janie. What´s up?¨
Jane - ¨Escaping the best friend for a moment. Hah. You?¨
Ryan - ¨Getting ready for bed.¨
Jane - ¨Ah. The t.v. then pass out routine, yeah?¨
Ryan - ¨Indeed.¨
Jane - ¨Well, I just called to say goodnight, because I said I would.¨
Ryan - ¨Okay, sweetheart. I love you.¨
Jane - ¨Hmm. I love you too...I´ll talk to you tomorrow.¨

Iḿ not used to this.
I´ve missed us like this.
I love this.

I´ve been feeling slightly off this week.
Almost as though all of my thoughts are headed in a nerve-wracking direction that scares the shit out of me, really.
Perhaps I feel like this because they have. Or maybe Iḿ not seeing the entire picture...that tends to be the case in my everyday life.
Today, I leave for the city with two of my close friends.
One new, one old.

I intend to spend time with a boy I´ve knwon for years, but could never make myself like.
Perhaps that spells trouble, perhaps not.
Hah.
As always, we will see.

I find him mildly attractive; thus being the strangest part.
He´s not remotely my type.
But then again. Some of the most fun moments I´ve had have been with men that...weren´t my type.
I´ll post on this later.

I'm looking out a window, watching the rain fall.
Suddenly, my BlackBerry vibrates on the table.
The following text message appears...

"I always need you. I'll wait for you to fix your mess though, babe. Love you."

Why does he lie to me?
Why does it feel as though I'm smashing my head against a wall just to get him to hear everything I say, and why do I care about what he thinks, anyhow?

Somehow, I think I'll be in the midst of this death circle until I'm married to him.

Day One

Day One: Self-Evaluation

I'm looking at myself in an enormous mirror every day.
I constantly ask myself the most difficult questions that come to mind, in hopes of challenging myself in some new, inventive way.
Alas, it is not to be so.

I tire of every day behaviours, such as going outside, or reading a book.
What causes this?
This unreal sadness that never seems to disappate in any fashion; merely continues a travesty wrecking every single dream I've been working so tirelessly on of late.

Shut up, Jane.
You're simply not making sense.