Friday, November 28, 2008

Learning To Love Me

I've been working on a project for some time now.
A crisis of self arose, this fall. My mind and body were not connected for what seemed like weeks.
For whatever reason, I could find no common ground, and unhappiness settled in like never before.
But, I have good news.
Everything is coming together. I am finding out more about myself every day.
I am making myself come together; completion of goals is key to my success right now.
I cannot wait to show my mother successful grades.
I cannot wait to see my source-of-smile, during break.
I have found things to look forward to.
Reasons to press forward on this strenuous path.

Smile, Jane.
You're going to be just fine.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

A Letter To Jane

Dearest Self,
I'm terrified of whats to come, you know. The future really is the scariest place to go, in this life. But I have you.
You who knows me like no other ever can, or will.
We've been through some rough times, haven't we? It only feels lately like we're headed for even more. It feels okay though.
I wake up with your thoughts, your ideas in my head. You're smarter than they give you credit for, you know.
You're strong, and much too wise for your young age. Long years, these have been. It may even seem at times that your memory is failing; based on the hurt you can recall, and the happiness you cannot.
Have no fear. A bright horizon comes to those who work for it, love.
Love Always,

P.S. I'm proud of the four papers you did tonight, too! :)

Monday, November 10, 2008

Sometimes I write emails.
Sometimes, those emails fill everything in.

Hello, Johnny.
Just thinking of how long it's been since I got to give you the real details of my ever-changing life.
I just finished smoking a joint with our Jamaican next-door neighbor, and I figure that now is as good a time as any to fill you in.
I had mentioned that I moved our of my original apartment, I believe. Well, since my "best friend" and our ridiculously gay "land lord" would have me locked in my room alone, playing Cinderella after school and long shifts at work, I decided that I was better off risking the drug-dealing hippie kids I met at school. (That's an entirely different story, which I'm sure you'll eventually hear.)
I'm now in Westbrook, after a two-week stint in South Portland. Marvelous change, if you like crack-heads and sixteen years in your neighborhood. The roommates are much improved though, and are content with my status as a barely-employed loan kid.
School is a menace, Johnny. Not a day has gone by where I did NOT feel as though I wanted to burn the damn buildings down, simultaneously. However, some of my teachers are easily conned, which is a bonus. (I have my history teacher thinking that I'm a victim of life's misfortunes, when the truth is, I'm a victim of spontaneous laziness and pot-smoking. She is nice though; it's unfortunate to have to con her so.)
I suppose I should release you from this boring-as-fuck letter now.
Do take care, love.

PS, I am no expert,
But I would suggest you put the sarcasm above out of your mind.
this was just me, self-evaluating.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

I can feel a death rattle like never before, this Halloween.
I feel time slowing down for me.
What is this death inside me? What is this pain and frustration inside of me?
I am more afraid now then I have ever been, as repetitive as that theme is for me.

Get this devil away from me.
Get this anguish out of me.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

I am surrounded. I am away from my own thoughts, and feeling the presence of others perceptions, instead. A contentedness I have never felt before has settled in.
For the first time in my life, I am finally ready to be comfortable in my own skin.
I have found an answer to all of the past mistakes. Responsibility has never felt so good.

keeping my mind clear is of the utmost importance.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

My eyelashes fought me to the death this morning.
Sun streaming through the window in the bedroom I fell
asleep in last night, a hungover former love awoke me.
His alcohol-stained breath rose from my arm to my throat,
his gravelly voice muttering my name.
I rolled away from him, pulling blankets over my head.

Falling out of love has always been a fear of mine, you see.
I am terrified of being alone, of not having someone to lean on.
As college begins this fall, I will rely on him for only his understanding.
We have lost what we had, and that is okay with me this time around.
I held on far too long, these past few years.
His soft, deep voice no longer causes my limbs to shiver.
His clear eyes no longer lock mine in the same way.
My heart no longer beats in time with his.

For the first time in my life, I feel okay.

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Post Removed;

An Attempt...

this place surrounding me...
four walls, none left untouched.
i am forgotten, if for mere seconds, and become afraid.
forever will i stop short, asking myself 'what next?'
i am forging a path many
before me have merely dreamed for,
though i see no delight in my effortlessness.
stop short; ask yourself one question.
where are you?
delighted by the world?
forever searching, human design is recognized.
i will ask of nothing from you.
only solidarity, faithfulness.
you see, nothing more than that can sustain me.
i am satisfied with failure;
we are through.

forget, nothing

A moment.

For a split second, I am whole.
A smile irrupts; my clear green eyes dance wildly.
For a time, my mind is clear of worry.
I find myself dancing through each breath, awaiting only waht is to come.
The smile playing its part on my face seems almost to hold me;
I am floating away, otherwise.

What am I to become?
Forget; I have time.
Patience is everything when you're moving at top speed.
I was lied to when I was told otherwise.
I have wasted so much time.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

I have never needed anything more.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Thank you, gods of metal. :)

Friday, June 27, 2008

oh, yes.

I had promised updates on the long-suffering saga of Jane and Ryan.
This evening past, I found myself irritated with my best friend to the point where I needed a serious amount of space.

So, I wandered outside, and placed a call.
No matter how upset I am, hearing his voice has always done things to me that only hearing a past or current loves voice can.
I´ll admit it.
I will never stop loving James Ryan Labor.
I´m not capable of leaving him heart could never handle life without him in it, in some fashion or another.

Jane - ¨Hello, babe.¨
Ryan - ¨Hello, Janie. What´s up?¨
Jane - ¨Escaping the best friend for a moment. Hah. You?¨
Ryan - ¨Getting ready for bed.¨
Jane - ¨Ah. The t.v. then pass out routine, yeah?¨
Ryan - ¨Indeed.¨
Jane - ¨Well, I just called to say goodnight, because I said I would.¨
Ryan - ¨Okay, sweetheart. I love you.¨
Jane - ¨Hmm. I love you too...I´ll talk to you tomorrow.¨

Iḿ not used to this.
I´ve missed us like this.
I love this.
I´ve been feeling slightly off this week.
Almost as though all of my thoughts are headed in a nerve-wracking direction that scares the shit out of me, really.
Perhaps I feel like this because they have. Or maybe Iḿ not seeing the entire picture...that tends to be the case in my everyday life.
Today, I leave for the city with two of my close friends.
One new, one old.

I intend to spend time with a boy I´ve knwon for years, but could never make myself like.
Perhaps that spells trouble, perhaps not.
As always, we will see.

I find him mildly attractive; thus being the strangest part.
He´s not remotely my type.
But then again. Some of the most fun moments I´ve had have been with men that...weren´t my type.
I´ll post on this later.

Monday, June 23, 2008

I'm looking out a window, watching the rain fall.
Suddenly, my BlackBerry vibrates on the table.
The following text message appears...

"I always need you. I'll wait for you to fix your mess though, babe. Love you."

Why does he lie to me?
Why does it feel as though I'm smashing my head against a wall just to get him to hear everything I say, and why do I care about what he thinks, anyhow?

Somehow, I think I'll be in the midst of this death circle until I'm married to him.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Day One

Day One: Self-Evaluation

I'm looking at myself in an enormous mirror every day.
I constantly ask myself the most difficult questions that come to mind, in hopes of challenging myself in some new, inventive way.
Alas, it is not to be so.

I tire of every day behaviours, such as going outside, or reading a book.
What causes this?
This unreal sadness that never seems to disappate in any fashion; merely continues a travesty wrecking every single dream I've been working so tirelessly on of late.

Shut up, Jane.
You're simply not making sense.