I'm feeling this void, lately.
It's as though I'm not a real person; I don't really feel connected to anything. I guess this should come as no surprise...it IS the winter time. I lose all faith in life when the sun is gone, it seems. Last winter, I was a completely different person. I had a best friend that I was truly connected to, a living situation that was, while sometimes intense, comfortable. Men in my life that enjoyed my company, and a healthy sex life. I spent every day in the sunshine of life.
I will admit that I often times find myself missing those perks, though at times I'm glad that my fast-paced lifestyle has found some sturdy ground.
I have been sitting here thinking and re-thinking the brash course of events that have played out as my life in the past year. I find myself at a loss as to how to describe them, but I cannot be sure as to whether or not that is a good thing.
I shall work on figuring this out.

I woke up in a haze, my life sitting before me as though it was not being lived.
What is this place that I call my conscience mind?
Where am I to go from here?
I have taken steps to formulate a conclusion to this life, though for now, I have no place to call home. I have never wanted so badly to see what is to come, for some days I do not feel like getting up from my bed...I do not feel as though I can go forward from here. This forthcoming hurt that I am always feeling is constant; it cannot be ignored, pushed aside, or tossed away, it seems. I am always facing toward the anger of the past, though I seem to take steps forward.
Hmm, such, I suppose, is the irony of this life.
The irony of my good fortune, as it would seem. I hold nothing in high esteem, these days.

Learning To Love Me

I've been working on a project for some time now.
A crisis of self arose, this fall. My mind and body were not connected for what seemed like weeks.
For whatever reason, I could find no common ground, and unhappiness settled in like never before.
But, I have good news.
Everything is coming together. I am finding out more about myself every day.
I am making myself come together; completion of goals is key to my success right now.
I cannot wait to show my mother successful grades.
I cannot wait to see my source-of-smile, during break.
I have found things to look forward to.
Reasons to press forward on this strenuous path.

Smile, Jane.
You're going to be just fine.

A Letter To Jane

Dearest Self,
I'm terrified of whats to come, you know. The future really is the scariest place to go, in this life. But I have you.
You who knows me like no other ever can, or will.
We've been through some rough times, haven't we? It only feels lately like we're headed for even more. It feels okay though.
I wake up with your thoughts, your ideas in my head. You're smarter than they give you credit for, you know.
You're strong, and much too wise for your young age. Long years, these have been. It may even seem at times that your memory is failing; based on the hurt you can recall, and the happiness you cannot.
Have no fear. A bright horizon comes to those who work for it, love.
Love Always,
You

P.S. I'm proud of the four papers you did tonight, too! :)

Sometimes I write emails.
Sometimes, those emails fill everything in.

Hello, Johnny.
Just thinking of how long it's been since I got to give you the real details of my ever-changing life.
I just finished smoking a joint with our Jamaican next-door neighbor, and I figure that now is as good a time as any to fill you in.
I had mentioned that I moved our of my original apartment, I believe. Well, since my "best friend" and our ridiculously gay "land lord" would have me locked in my room alone, playing Cinderella after school and long shifts at work, I decided that I was better off risking the drug-dealing hippie kids I met at school. (That's an entirely different story, which I'm sure you'll eventually hear.)
I'm now in Westbrook, after a two-week stint in South Portland. Marvelous change, if you like crack-heads and sixteen years in your neighborhood. The roommates are much improved though, and are content with my status as a barely-employed loan kid.
School is a menace, Johnny. Not a day has gone by where I did NOT feel as though I wanted to burn the damn buildings down, simultaneously. However, some of my teachers are easily conned, which is a bonus. (I have my history teacher thinking that I'm a victim of life's misfortunes, when the truth is, I'm a victim of spontaneous laziness and pot-smoking. She is nice though; it's unfortunate to have to con her so.)
I suppose I should release you from this boring-as-fuck letter now.
Do take care, love.
-Jane


PS, I am no expert,
But I would suggest you put the sarcasm above out of your mind.
this was just me, self-evaluating.

I can feel a death rattle like never before, this Halloween.
I feel time slowing down for me.
What is this death inside me? What is this pain and frustration inside of me?
I am more afraid now then I have ever been, as repetitive as that theme is for me.

Get this devil away from me.
Get this anguish out of me.

I am surrounded. I am away from my own thoughts, and feeling the presence of others perceptions, instead. A contentedness I have never felt before has settled in.
For the first time in my life, I am finally ready to be comfortable in my own skin.
I have found an answer to all of the past mistakes. Responsibility has never felt so good.

keeping my mind clear is of the utmost importance.