My eyelashes fought me to the death this morning.
Sun streaming through the window in the bedroom I fell
asleep in last night, a hungover former love awoke me.
His alcohol-stained breath rose from my arm to my throat,
his gravelly voice muttering my name.
I rolled away from him, pulling blankets over my head.

Falling out of love has always been a fear of mine, you see.
I am terrified of being alone, of not having someone to lean on.
As college begins this fall, I will rely on him for only his understanding.
We have lost what we had, and that is okay with me this time around.
I held on far too long, these past few years.
His soft, deep voice no longer causes my limbs to shiver.
His clear eyes no longer lock mine in the same way.
My heart no longer beats in time with his.

For the first time in my life, I feel okay.

Post Removed;

An Attempt...

this place surrounding me...
four walls, none left untouched.
i am forgotten, if for mere seconds, and become afraid.
forever will i stop short, asking myself 'what next?'
i am forging a path many
before me have merely dreamed for,
though i see no delight in my effortlessness.
stop short; ask yourself one question.
where are you?
safe?
alone?
delighted by the world?
forever searching, human design is recognized.
i will ask of nothing from you.
only solidarity, faithfulness.
you see, nothing more than that can sustain me.
i am satisfied with failure;
we are through.

forget, nothing

A moment.

For a split second, I am whole.
A smile irrupts; my clear green eyes dance wildly.
For a time, my mind is clear of worry.
I find myself dancing through each breath, awaiting only waht is to come.
The smile playing its part on my face seems almost to hold me;
I am floating away, otherwise.

What am I to become?
Forget; I have time.
Patience is everything when you're moving at top speed.
I was lied to when I was told otherwise.
I have wasted so much time.

I have never needed anything more.

Thank you, gods of metal. :)

oh, yes.

I had promised updates on the long-suffering saga of Jane and Ryan.
This evening past, I found myself irritated with my best friend to the point where I needed a serious amount of space.

So, I wandered outside, and placed a call.
No matter how upset I am, hearing his voice has always done things to me that only hearing a past or current loves voice can.
I´ll admit it.
I will never stop loving James Ryan Labor.
I´m not capable of leaving him behind...my heart could never handle life without him in it, in some fashion or another.

Jane - ¨Hello, babe.¨
Ryan - ¨Hello, Janie. What´s up?¨
Jane - ¨Escaping the best friend for a moment. Hah. You?¨
Ryan - ¨Getting ready for bed.¨
Jane - ¨Ah. The t.v. then pass out routine, yeah?¨
Ryan - ¨Indeed.¨
Jane - ¨Well, I just called to say goodnight, because I said I would.¨
Ryan - ¨Okay, sweetheart. I love you.¨
Jane - ¨Hmm. I love you too...I´ll talk to you tomorrow.¨

Iḿ not used to this.
I´ve missed us like this.
I love this.

I´ve been feeling slightly off this week.
Almost as though all of my thoughts are headed in a nerve-wracking direction that scares the shit out of me, really.
Perhaps I feel like this because they have. Or maybe Iḿ not seeing the entire picture...that tends to be the case in my everyday life.
Today, I leave for the city with two of my close friends.
One new, one old.

I intend to spend time with a boy I´ve knwon for years, but could never make myself like.
Perhaps that spells trouble, perhaps not.
Hah.
As always, we will see.

I find him mildly attractive; thus being the strangest part.
He´s not remotely my type.
But then again. Some of the most fun moments I´ve had have been with men that...weren´t my type.
I´ll post on this later.